Tag: lonely

Health Journey

On June 26th A Year

Teresa Love

Today marks a year.

A year of being sick.

A year of feeling alone.

A year of people not understanding what I’m going through.

A year of willing and wishing to get better and each day it stays the same.

A year of prayer to get better and for something good to come out of it.

A year of tears and crying sessions.

A year of planning things and then having to cancel because I am still sick.

A year of having to stop going to church.

It’s been a whole year. I am not normally a person who remembers dates but I do have a few in my life that really stick out. Christmas: December 25th, My birthday: October 21st, My cancer diagnosis day: October 18th, and the day my episode started last year: June 26th.

This day, June 26th, has been on my mind for a while now. I kept putting goals in place. Last July I was thinking, “I will totally be better by my birthday in October.” Then I wasn’t. Christmas is in 2 months, “I have to be better by then.” Again it didn’t happen. These “goals” made me feel like a failure, like I couldn’t “make myself better.” Like my faith wasn’t strong enough to get me through this difficult time. “I can’t be sick for another month this is crazy,” I kept telling myself. I was almost in a dazed state of confusion that this was still happening.

Then my episode hit the 6 month mark and I was so ready for it to be over. By this time I had been away from church for 6 months, hadn’t been able to leave the house much, finished all the Netflix shows I could think of, and was just ready to “start my life again.” Start my life again? That implies that I stopped living when I got sick. I “died.”

But I DIDN’T die, I am still here. I am still breathing.

Sure, my life looks very different than it used to. But I can use my mind in anyway I want and I CHOOSE to make my own decisions. If I want to be artistic, I can. If I want to text my friends, I can. If I want to tell my mom a long, step by step story of exactly what happened in the show I am currently watching, I can. The bottom line is I can’t control what gets thrown at me but I can control the outcome. If I am too tired to do something one day then I can choose to do it  another day.

It’s all about decisions. As much as we think our days are all mapped out, I am here to say they are not. Even someone who works everyday doesn’t know if something will happen and they can’t go to work that next day. We never know.

That’s why for my life I choose to live in the PRESENT. I base my decisions on the now, and not push and hope looking at the future because in all honesty I don’t have that luxury right now.

Live in the Present.

Health Journey

You Are Not Alone

Teresa Love

Being chronically sick you often feel alone.

Your friends are going out, moving on with their days, weeks, and months. As my dad would say when I was younger “Girl, you are outta sight, outta mind.”  I knew it wasn’t a particular friend not wanting to be my friend it was just easier for them to go on with their lives when I wasn’t around.

That’s pretty much how it feels when I am sick. I KNOW my friends care about me so much, but it’s easier for them to think of me when I am around. I understand.

I think I am alone…and then a cute little furry friend surprises me and jumps onto my recliner. Yes, that my Bella. She’s a 8 pound Yorkshire Terrier. And a blessing from God. We found her at the perfect time. But that’s a whole other story. God knew I needed her in my life.

There’s that saying, “It’s a dog’s life.” People used to refer to that as if to say a dog’s life is a very hard life. But to me it’s the opposite. My dog lays around all day. The best part is that she lays with me. Wherever I am, she is.  If I am on the couch, she is laying on my feet. If I am in my bed, she is curled up right next to my body. If I am in my recliner she lays on the foot of it or under the foot rest. Lol. If she hears her dog friends outside she will go and bark and visit them but then no matter what she always comes back. She never leaves me.

This is a great example of how God is, He never leaves us. If we are in the deepest, saddest place He will be with us there too. If we pull away with all our human might, He will come find us. He is the shepherd and we are his lambs.

I think often when we are upset we feel like God is not there or He doesn’t get near such pain, like He is too holy to be near me when I am in such a dark place. But that’s NOT the case at all when we are in are deepest sadness He is there holding us, comforting us.

That is a great mental picture to think of when you feel alone. It really helps. He meets us where we are. Just as Bella is my support/therapy dog she is always comforting me. If I am feeling really sick she knows and gets closer and closer to me. If I am crying she nudges forward until she she reaches my crying face. Just her happy little self makes me smile when I look at her.

Puppies are the best medicine, like babies. Even when she is laying cute we are always like “aww she’s adorable.” She is very special to me and completes our family.

Therefore I know I am not alone because I have God and my support dog Bella with me always. When you feel lonely try to distract yourself. I play with my dog or color with music on and really just try to relax. You can too. Find your own “Bella” and find comfort in yourself, God, and the people who are there for you.