Beauty/Lifestyle Blogger

Emotions

Teresa Love

I think it’s interesting how much your emotions can change from one second to the next. At one moment you’re feeling okay and content and the next you can feel so distraught or sad and you don’t know why.

I understand it is my depression but I still feel like it’s such an abnormal feeling in my body. I’m the girl who is smiling because she’s happy. The girl who cheers other people up. But now I’m the girl whose sad. I’m the girl whose tired of feeling sick all the time. Who has all these emotions and she’s writing because she doesn’t know how to get them out.

I’ve always pulled my strength from God. I was doing a Bible study the other day with my mom and there was a part that said “ Happiness is dependent on what happens – our circumstances. Joy is far deeper and is not so dependent on our outward circumstances. It is a blessing from God. Joy is the characteristic of an encounter with Jesus.” I feel like this really speaks to how I feel. Even if I feel emotionally sad it doesn’t mean I have lost the JOY and HOPE we can find in Jesus.

Love, T

Health Journey

Up and Down and Up and Down and Up and Down

Teresa Love

There are a lot of rollercoaster emotions involved with having a chronic illness. Sometimes I feel like I am handling everything great, content and semi happy. Other times I am so distraught and unhappy about where my life is. This tends to happen when I am trying to do something as basic as getting myself a drink and I am not able to do it. I plan it all out in my head. I walk with my walker to the kitchen, then I grab my cup from the cupboard, then I walk to the fridge and get ice as I wait for the ice to come I start to feel tightness in chest and shortness of breathe. I think I can just push through it, “come on just a few more minutes…” but then I realize nope I need to go lay down. I look at my cup and all it has is ice. So I politely ask my mom to pour my drink.

That is an average day in the life of a chronically ill person. Something as basic as getting a drink can make me so upset and frustrated with myself. I have learned to not be hard on myself because honestly it doesn’t help at all. There are times when I need to just rest and being chronically ill your body never gets the rest it needs, so I never feel well rested.

I follow a few different people on Instagram who are chronically ill. I follow this one girl named chronicallyhealed and she found out how to heal herself from POTS and Lyme disease. WOW, wouldn’t that be amazing to be back to life. To go out with friends again, go on dates, go shopping, go on vacations especially Hawaii and just live my life again.

Okay, okay I know I am still technically living my life. I mean I am here so that counts right. But just as Genie says from Aladdin “but to be my own master, such a thing would be greater than all the treasures in the world..” To not let me illness control every second of my day.

I just want to wake up healthy again, this post isn’t to make anyone sad it’s to remind you that you are blessed and your health is very important don’t take it for granted.

One of the most annoying things with being chronically ill is tomorrow or next month or next year I would wake up and be totally healthy and that not knowing is the hardest thing. So right now I decide in this very moment to LIVE for the moment! I choose to be content. If I want to play with makeup today I decide to. If I want to go to Ulta or the bookstore with my walker and my mom I decide to. If I want to sing today I decide to. If I want to create a YouTube video today I decide to. If I want to go outside I decide to. Do you understand the pattern we HAVE the ABILITY to make our own decisions and that is sooo POWERFUL.

I know you can’t choose what happens to you but you can choose how react to it and sometimes that can be more powerful than the circumstances.

I wrote this 2 years ago and it’s even more true today.

Love, T

Beauty/Lifestyle Blogger

2 years on June 26th 2019

Teresa Love

In a few hours, it will be 2 years of being sick. 2 years of weakness. 2 years of identifying as disabled. 2 years of missing church. 2 years of waiting for this illness to just go away. 2 years of being mostly stuck at home. 2 years of being dizzy 24/7. 2 years of handling it all.

In a few hours, it will be 2 years of being chronically ill. Although it’s been tough and not fun at all. I have learned so much.

I have learned how to handle things differently. I have learned that saying no to someone doesn’t mean you are disappointing them. I have learned to stand on my own feet even if I am wobbly. I have learned to be grateful for the little things in life. To celebrate the tiny accomplishments. And most of all don’t let your anxiety get the best of you and try not to be a perfectionist. I have learned to trust God in every situation and no problem is too small to bring it to Him. I have learned to be happy for the people around me even if I can’t enjoy what they get to do. I have learned to do whatever I can do to help my symptoms within reasons, and make decisions based on the way that causes the least amount of stress because with my illness stress can make my symptoms worse. I have learned that I am the only person who is in my body until someone walks in my shoes I just take their opinion and ideas lightly. I have learned to be grateful and content even if my day feels unproductive. I have learned to not be so hard on myself. I have learned that we all have paths and seasons in life that are difficult to manage and with a good support system, God, and confidence in yourself you can do it.

Thank you for following my journey!!!

Health Journey

Can You Trust?

Teresa Love

I came across a post on Instagram of a fellow Spoonie today. She was showing her painting that she has been working on, it made me smile.

When I was first diagnosed with CFS/ME the doctor told me that it happens to woman between the age of 20 and 30, perfectionists, driven, and creative.

Well that’s me…

When I first heard that it honestly freaked me out like “should I have not pushed myself so hard?” “Could I have changed my path?” “And why did this happen to me?”

Growing up we are told to “do our best, try hardest, and never settle for mediocrity.” I always heard these phrases growing up and thought “yes I can do this, I may not be the smartest in school but I will always work my butt off “Could this be why I am sick?” All this pushing and striving for perfection?”

These thoughts go through my mind more often than not I would haven to admit. But I need to remember is they are just thoughts and it only matters what I do NEXT. Do I let these thoughts control my mind and body and let it control how I feel emotionally?

I don’t believe any of this! I know there is a big, huge, unbelievable plan for me. God is always here. Even in my darkest moments God is there hugging me.

In the world we always want to find the reason WHY. Why did your friend get sick? Where does cancer come from? Why does this happen to people? What will happen after we die, like I know Heaven but what Is it really like? Why is there violence and hate in this world? The truth is the ONLY one who know is God. He knows every single plan, moment, and person.

All we can do is trust in the Lord with all of our hearts. And I know that’s is to say and hard to do but I have learned through thick and thin, through negative and positive moments, through losing friends and making new ones God is ALWAYS there. And we need to trust in HIM wholeheartedly. Not for just this second, but every single second after that and with EVERYTHING.

So I ask you? Can you trust God wholeheartedly?

Beauty/Lifestyle Blogger

Christmas Means So Much More

Teresa Love

Tonight I was playing a card game Michigan Rummy with our family friends. I took a Xanax to try to last a little longer to be able to get through a card game. It didn’t work the way I planned.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to just sit up for any amount of time when you have CFS/ME. I feel like people really take for granted something as easy as sitting up at a table. We played a card game and toward the middle of the game I started getting sick and it just got worse and worse and sicker and sicker. My heart starts to beat really fast, I get lightheaded, nauseous, and dizzy. It becomes hard to breathe.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I am sitting in my recliner listening to Christmas music, snuggled in a blanky, letting my heart beat get back to normalacy. I love Christmas. I love celebrating the birth of Jesus. My Christmas used to be full of people, celebrations, makeup, and church. We would practice for weeks and weeks to plan the youth stuff with the students. I would volunteer to help at the Christmas service. Help out with the youth at each and every service. I loved preparing and looking forward to it all. I would go to service in the morning with my family then go and help out with the students and enjoy celebrating the birth of Jesus.

Today my Christmas will look different since I stuffer from many chronic illnesses, I can’t do what I would like to do this Christmas. I would like to go to church because after all Jesus’s birth is WHY we celebrate Christmas. I want to be with the students teaching them why Jesus came into this world for us. I want to come home and have people over and actually have energy to entertain them. I want to play with the kids on the floor and dance with them. I want to help my mom clean and make appetizers and yummy food. I want to just make everything easier for my mom and dad. They already do so much for me.

But that’s not how this year with go. I wish it was different I DO NOT want to be sick, but unfortunately because I am there is a way different way to look at it all. I may not be able to go to church but I can praise God through my daily devotions and prayer time. I can thank the Lord for coming into this world as a weak baby and growing into the man that died on the cross for our sins. I can do cute and fun makeup which makes me happy. I can SMILE through it all cause there is a greater joy in my heart even with all my terrible circumstances. I can help my mom and dad slowly and chose the way I help wisely. I can sit on my walker for a short time and help break up the cake for the cake pops or even sit in my chair and help make different foods. I can greet people and make them feel loved and welcomed. I can walk outside with my walker and use my walker when I play bean bag toss. I can take a cute picture and post it on Instagram later just cause I like taking cute pictures. I can spend time with my lovely little puppy. I can sit in my chair when kids are here and spend time talking to them and their parents. I could cry about it all because I LOVE Christmas and I can’t have the wonderful amazing awesome Christmas I would love to have. But that doesn’t mean my Christmas won’t be meaningful, fun, and still very loving. I blessed to have an amazing family and family friends that support me and love me through all of it. I have been sick for 1 year and 6 months straight now and that’s been really difficult.

I ask you to do some things for me.

1. Hug your family or significant other.

2. Think about how lucky and blessed you are to just be able to walk (if you can)

3. Let God fill you with Christmas spirit, don’t argue, get upset with anyone, and don’t forget you are loved by Our Heavenly Father.