Tag: Chronic illness

Health Journey

Decisions

Teresa Love

It’s funny how we can procrastinate when we know we need to do something that we just don’t want to do. Or wish the problem hopefully goes away. Like when we are supposed to be losing weight or eating healthy and just because we have to, we choose not to.

Today I am so exhausted.  I did not sleep well last night because I was worrying about an appointment, and once it was over I was so tired from all the anxiety and stress that went along with preparing for the appointment. I know I need to nap, but I really just don’t want to. And if I don’t want to do something, believe me, I really won’t do it.

I sometimes pride myself in being able to decide what I want to do and I don’t let myself get pushed into anything.  I never give in to peer pressure. If it’s a really serious thing, I need to do (like when I needed back surgery for scoliosis) I did what I needed to to prepare and forged ahead.

Now today, I kept telling my mom that I was tired. So she said, “Do I need to take you in the car, so that you can fall asleep like when you were little”? That just made me smile and laugh. Threw me back to a time when life was just easier. I didn’t have this illness. I didn’t have fear at all. I didn’t have to worry about relationships or money problems. I could just be a child.

There is a bible verse that says “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (woman), I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

1 Corinthians 13:11 NIV

It was much simpler when we were children, running around outside, finger painting and not caring about the mess, eating whatever you wanted, meeting new friends at the grocery store. Now we are adults and we may have put away childish things, minus things we still like (Disney movies).

I think it’s totally fine to think about the past and the easier times in life as long as it makes you smile and you move on, continuing to move forward to the present and into the future.

Health Journey

Let Go, Let God

Teresa Love

We are just moving through life with good things happening. But then something comes up, interrupts our lives, whether it’s a change you weren’t expecting, a death in the family, an illness, an accident, losing a job, or moving. We are just going along “skipping through the tulips,” when all of the sudden BAM! And it’s very easy to drown in self pity.

This can create a situational depression, the feeling of hopelessness, sadness, worthlessness, and overall negative emotions. I am not afraid to say I have struggled with all of that before and am currently still working at it each day.

When your life changes in the blink of an eye it tends to hit you hard. That’s how I felt when my life went from “living my best life”, to not having the ability to do any of the things I used to do let alone get out of the house. My chronic illnesses really interrupted my life…but does it have to be an interruption? What if it could be just a whole other path to take?

Often, when life is going good it’s easy to push God to the backseat of your car and say “I’m good, just living my life.” Then when a crisis occurs, it’s hard to let God steer when He is stuck in the backseat. I have always given God the wheel and have trusted Him to take me wherever He wants and have tried not to be a backseat driver. That’s why I love the Carrie Underwood song “Jesus Take the Wheel.”

When that illness, fear, accident, negative situation happens, you are armed with the Holy Spirit to fight your battles not for you but WITH you. I do struggle with depression and sadness through all this illness, but each day I am working through it, getting the help I need, and letting God use me in any way I can even if it’s just through this blog.

Health Journey

You Are Not Alone

Teresa Love

Being chronically sick you often feel alone.

Your friends are going out, moving on with their days, weeks, and months. As my dad would say when I was younger “Girl, you are outta sight, outta mind.”  I knew it wasn’t a particular friend not wanting to be my friend it was just easier for them to go on with their lives when I wasn’t around.

That’s pretty much how it feels when I am sick. I KNOW my friends care about me so much, but it’s easier for them to think of me when I am around. I understand.

I think I am alone…and then a cute little furry friend surprises me and jumps onto my recliner. Yes, that my Bella. She’s a 8 pound Yorkshire Terrier. And a blessing from God. We found her at the perfect time. But that’s a whole other story. God knew I needed her in my life.

There’s that saying, “It’s a dog’s life.” People used to refer to that as if to say a dog’s life is a very hard life. But to me it’s the opposite. My dog lays around all day. The best part is that she lays with me. Wherever I am, she is.  If I am on the couch, she is laying on my feet. If I am in my bed, she is curled up right next to my body. If I am in my recliner she lays on the foot of it or under the foot rest. Lol. If she hears her dog friends outside she will go and bark and visit them but then no matter what she always comes back. She never leaves me.

This is a great example of how God is, He never leaves us. If we are in the deepest, saddest place He will be with us there too. If we pull away with all our human might, He will come find us. He is the shepherd and we are his lambs.

I think often when we are upset we feel like God is not there or He doesn’t get near such pain, like He is too holy to be near me when I am in such a dark place. But that’s NOT the case at all when we are in are deepest sadness He is there holding us, comforting us.

That is a great mental picture to think of when you feel alone. It really helps. He meets us where we are. Just as Bella is my support/therapy dog she is always comforting me. If I am feeling really sick she knows and gets closer and closer to me. If I am crying she nudges forward until she she reaches my crying face. Just her happy little self makes me smile when I look at her.

Puppies are the best medicine, like babies. Even when she is laying cute we are always like “aww she’s adorable.” She is very special to me and completes our family.

Therefore I know I am not alone because I have God and my support dog Bella with me always. When you feel lonely try to distract yourself. I play with my dog or color with music on and really just try to relax. You can too. Find your own “Bella” and find comfort in yourself, God, and the people who are there for you.

Health Journey

Emotions

Teresa Love

It’s crazy how much your emotions can effect your physical health. Like if you are worrying about going somewhere, your body can make something wrong to the point where you don’t have to go anymore. Even if someone is worried that they’re pregnant the stress of that can stop their period. When someone has anxiety it can create more symptoms from the worrying. It’s crazy!

For me emotions affect me so strongly. If I have a really negative day where I am just crying and really upset about being so sick then my body can feel so sick and heavy like I can’t even get out of my recliner all day. But when I force myself to get up and go outside it slowly helps. Like the other day I was so upset, I was even being rude to my mom and all she does is help me. I decided I didn’t want my day to be ruined so I went outside sat down in the sun, played worship music, and just breathed in the calmness of nature. I was able to stay out there for a few minutes before I started to burn (pale skin).

Just that little motion of changing my surroundings, shutting my mind off besides talking to God, and just really focusing on all the beautiful things around me. I listened to the mourning doves cooing. Felt the warm breeze hug me tightly. Saw all the vibrant colors, I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time in a while. Like in Twilight when Bella becomes a vampire, how ever single detail and all the vivid colors she sees.

Emotions are strong. Even stronger than logic sometimes. But nothing or no one is stronger than the Almighty Father. We are in His gorgeous creation.

I think sometimes we focus on all of our own problems and what’s going wrong, we forget to “stop and smell the roses.” If you can find one little super small thing that is positive in your day and focus on that you will be surprised on what the outcome could be.

Health Journey

Sometimes Its Hard

Teresa Love

It’s late and that is when negative thought start to creep in my head and I try with all my might and through prayer to push them out.

I have been seeing so many YouTube videos, Instagram, and twitter posts on Taylor Swift’s Reputation Stadium Tour. I have loved her from the beginning ever since I saw her sing on the CMAs with Tim McGraw. I have never judged her and always believed she handled being famous really well. I loved her songs about her ex boyfriends! Her music has gotten me through really tough stuff in my life from having cancer, being bullied, and breakups and relationships.

When I had a MAKE-A-WISH, I was deciding between meeting her and going to Hawaii, I chose Hawaii so I could go with my family for a week. I have truly admired how much in interviews and on her tours how she was so real and really just seemed like a sweet “Girl Trying to Make a Place in This World,” that’s from one of her songs. I loved her country music but then when she slowly transitioned through Red to 1989 all the way to Reputation, I feel IN LOVE even more!!! I love that as she grew as a person she was able to guide all that growing into new music each time.

When I went to her 1989 Tour, I was so emotional it was directly after a breakup and literally EXACTLY what she said was what I needed to hear. I totally knew God was looking out for me.

Now it’s 2018. She has her Reputation Stadium Tour and I can’t go. I can’t attempt to get tickets, I can’t listen to her cd the whole way there, I can’t be excited and look forward to going, I can’t stand in the stadium and breath in all the hopes and dreams of the other fans, I can’t walk through the crowds and crowds of people, I can’t stand in line in the merchandise tour booth, I can’t scream and yell for her when she comes out or even when there is an encore. I can’t.

This is when having a chronic illness that affects all of this really gets in the way. I just have to be a fan from a far and cheer her on in my own house.

I do miss life sometimes. This is one of those moments that hit me hard. I want to go, I want to be there, I want to have fun, I want to be normal. But I am not normal. I am unique. I am powerful even in my weakness. I have a God who loves me and wants to be in relationship with me. I have the strength to stay away from the tour and the wisdom to know I won’t be able to go. It’s not easy, but it’s possible with God to conquer anything.

I really do admire everything Taylor Swift is doing, she works with Make a Wish, is involved in so many charities, she still tries to have a love life even though her relationships have been rocky. I just enjoy seeing her blossom into the amazing woman she is. I am proud to be her fan.