Tag: chronic pain

Health Journey

On June 26th A Year

Teresa Love

Today marks a year.

A year of being sick.

A year of feeling alone.

A year of people not understanding what I’m going through.

A year of willing and wishing to get better and each day it stays the same.

A year of prayer to get better and for something good to come out of it.

A year of tears and crying sessions.

A year of planning things and then having to cancel because I am still sick.

A year of having to stop going to church.

It’s been a whole year. I am not normally a person who remembers dates but I do have a few in my life that really stick out. Christmas: December 25th, My birthday: October 21st, My cancer diagnosis day: October 18th, and the day my episode started last year: June 26th.

This day, June 26th, has been on my mind for a while now. I kept putting goals in place. Last July I was thinking, “I will totally be better by my birthday in October.” Then I wasn’t. Christmas is in 2 months, “I have to be better by then.” Again it didn’t happen. These “goals” made me feel like a failure, like I couldn’t “make myself better.” Like my faith wasn’t strong enough to get me through this difficult time. “I can’t be sick for another month this is crazy,” I kept telling myself. I was almost in a dazed state of confusion that this was still happening.

Then my episode hit the 6 month mark and I was so ready for it to be over. By this time I had been away from church for 6 months, hadn’t been able to leave the house much, finished all the Netflix shows I could think of, and was just ready to “start my life again.” Start my life again? That implies that I stopped living when I got sick. I “died.”

But I DIDN’T die, I am still here. I am still breathing.

Sure, my life looks very different than it used to. But I can use my mind in anyway I want and I CHOOSE to make my own decisions. If I want to be artistic, I can. If I want to text my friends, I can. If I want to tell my mom a long, step by step story of exactly what happened in the show I am currently watching, I can. The bottom line is I can’t control what gets thrown at me but I can control the outcome. If I am too tired to do something one day then I can choose to do it  another day.

It’s all about decisions. As much as we think our days are all mapped out, I am here to say they are not. Even someone who works everyday doesn’t know if something will happen and they can’t go to work that next day. We never know.

That’s why for my life I choose to live in the PRESENT. I base my decisions on the now, and not push and hope looking at the future because in all honesty I don’t have that luxury right now.

Live in the Present.

Health Journey

Emotions

Teresa Love

It’s crazy how much your emotions can effect your physical health. Like if you are worrying about going somewhere, your body can make something wrong to the point where you don’t have to go anymore. Even if someone is worried that they’re pregnant the stress of that can stop their period. When someone has anxiety it can create more symptoms from the worrying. It’s crazy!

For me emotions affect me so strongly. If I have a really negative day where I am just crying and really upset about being so sick then my body can feel so sick and heavy like I can’t even get out of my recliner all day. But when I force myself to get up and go outside it slowly helps. Like the other day I was so upset, I was even being rude to my mom and all she does is help me. I decided I didn’t want my day to be ruined so I went outside sat down in the sun, played worship music, and just breathed in the calmness of nature. I was able to stay out there for a few minutes before I started to burn (pale skin).

Just that little motion of changing my surroundings, shutting my mind off besides talking to God, and just really focusing on all the beautiful things around me. I listened to the mourning doves cooing. Felt the warm breeze hug me tightly. Saw all the vibrant colors, I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time in a while. Like in Twilight when Bella becomes a vampire, how ever single detail and all the vivid colors she sees.

Emotions are strong. Even stronger than logic sometimes. But nothing or no one is stronger than the Almighty Father. We are in His gorgeous creation.

I think sometimes we focus on all of our own problems and what’s going wrong, we forget to “stop and smell the roses.” If you can find one little super small thing that is positive in your day and focus on that you will be surprised on what the outcome could be.