Tag: womenwithchronicillness

Health Journey

Can You Trust?

Teresa Love

I came across a post on Instagram of a fellow Spoonie today. She was showing her painting that she has been working on, it made me smile.

When I was first diagnosed with CFS/ME the doctor told me that it happens to woman between the age of 20 and 30, perfectionists, driven, and creative.

Well that’s me…

When I first heard that it honestly freaked me out like “should I have not pushed myself so hard?” “Could I have changed my path?” “And why did this happen to me?”

Growing up we are told to “do our best, try hardest, and never settle for mediocrity.” I always heard these phrases growing up and thought “yes I can do this, I may not be the smartest in school but I will always work my butt off “Could this be why I am sick?” All this pushing and striving for perfection?”

These thoughts go through my mind more often than not I would haven to admit. But I need to remember is they are just thoughts and it only matters what I do NEXT. Do I let these thoughts control my mind and body and let it control how I feel emotionally?

I don’t believe any of this! I know there is a big, huge, unbelievable plan for me. God is always here. Even in my darkest moments God is there hugging me.

In the world we always want to find the reason WHY. Why did your friend get sick? Where does cancer come from? Why does this happen to people? What will happen after we die, like I know Heaven but what Is it really like? Why is there violence and hate in this world? The truth is the ONLY one who know is God. He knows every single plan, moment, and person.

All we can do is trust in the Lord with all of our hearts. And I know that’s is to say and hard to do but I have learned through thick and thin, through negative and positive moments, through losing friends and making new ones God is ALWAYS there. And we need to trust in HIM wholeheartedly. Not for just this second, but every single second after that and with EVERYTHING.

So I ask you? Can you trust God wholeheartedly?

Good to know

Stop and Believe

Teresa Love

I sit here scrolling through Instagram and I see so many people “living their best life.” They are going on vacations, visiting friends and family, posing in front of cute walls, dancing, and just enjoying their lives.

Instagram is supposed to be a positive thing in society, by definition it’s a social networking service for taking, changing, sharing photographs and videos.

It was so cool when it first came out and I was so exciting to start using it! But how many girls are out there scrolling through pictures and wishing and seeing all the things they will never have, be able to do, or look like. On average we send one hour on Instagram each day, so much that now they have started tracking our time on it.

When you are constantly flooded with “perfect” images especially for girls it really makes us compare ourselves. And some verified users with the little blue check like celebrities, big influencers, and singers are meant to look “perfect.” The whole my Instagram colors need to match and my aesthetic needs to be on point. Those people work so hard on just that part of your business with the Instagram pictures and I am sure that some even hire someone for exactly that reason.

This is why we need to STOP COMPARING ourselves. We can’t all be that stick figure model. We can’t all have tons and tons of followers. But what we can be is our own selves. YOU are AMAZING! Just the way God made you, “you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” – Psalm 139:14

Stop thinking you need to change.

Stop thinking you aren’t right.

Stop thinking you are not pretty.

Stop focusing on looks.

Stop believing the lie you need to be perfect.

Stop fighting against your own true self.

Stop blending in.

Stop tell yourself your not worth it.

Just STOP!

And BELIEVE!

Believe you are amazing!

Believe you are talented!

Believe you are free!

Believe you are enough!

Believe in yourself!

Believe you can have confidence!

Believe you are here for a reason!

Just try to remember all of this as you scroll through Instagram, it was a good reminder for me too.

Health Journey

On June 26th A Year

Teresa Love

Today marks a year.

A year of being sick.

A year of feeling alone.

A year of people not understanding what I’m going through.

A year of willing and wishing to get better and each day it stays the same.

A year of prayer to get better and for something good to come out of it.

A year of tears and crying sessions.

A year of planning things and then having to cancel because I am still sick.

A year of having to stop going to church.

It’s been a whole year. I am not normally a person who remembers dates but I do have a few in my life that really stick out. Christmas: December 25th, My birthday: October 21st, My cancer diagnosis day: October 18th, and the day my episode started last year: June 26th.

This day, June 26th, has been on my mind for a while now. I kept putting goals in place. Last July I was thinking, “I will totally be better by my birthday in October.” Then I wasn’t. Christmas is in 2 months, “I have to be better by then.” Again it didn’t happen. These “goals” made me feel like a failure, like I couldn’t “make myself better.” Like my faith wasn’t strong enough to get me through this difficult time. “I can’t be sick for another month this is crazy,” I kept telling myself. I was almost in a dazed state of confusion that this was still happening.

Then my episode hit the 6 month mark and I was so ready for it to be over. By this time I had been away from church for 6 months, hadn’t been able to leave the house much, finished all the Netflix shows I could think of, and was just ready to “start my life again.” Start my life again? That implies that I stopped living when I got sick. I “died.”

But I DIDN’T die, I am still here. I am still breathing.

Sure, my life looks very different than it used to. But I can use my mind in anyway I want and I CHOOSE to make my own decisions. If I want to be artistic, I can. If I want to text my friends, I can. If I want to tell my mom a long, step by step story of exactly what happened in the show I am currently watching, I can. The bottom line is I can’t control what gets thrown at me but I can control the outcome. If I am too tired to do something one day then I can choose to do it  another day.

It’s all about decisions. As much as we think our days are all mapped out, I am here to say they are not. Even someone who works everyday doesn’t know if something will happen and they can’t go to work that next day. We never know.

That’s why for my life I choose to live in the PRESENT. I base my decisions on the now, and not push and hope looking at the future because in all honesty I don’t have that luxury right now.

Live in the Present.

Health Journey

Decisions

Teresa Love

It’s funny how we can procrastinate when we know we need to do something that we just don’t want to do. Or wish the problem hopefully goes away. Like when we are supposed to be losing weight or eating healthy and just because we have to, we choose not to.

Today I am so exhausted.  I did not sleep well last night because I was worrying about an appointment, and once it was over I was so tired from all the anxiety and stress that went along with preparing for the appointment. I know I need to nap, but I really just don’t want to. And if I don’t want to do something, believe me, I really won’t do it.

I sometimes pride myself in being able to decide what I want to do and I don’t let myself get pushed into anything.  I never give in to peer pressure. If it’s a really serious thing, I need to do (like when I needed back surgery for scoliosis) I did what I needed to to prepare and forged ahead.

Now today, I kept telling my mom that I was tired. So she said, “Do I need to take you in the car, so that you can fall asleep like when you were little”? That just made me smile and laugh. Threw me back to a time when life was just easier. I didn’t have this illness. I didn’t have fear at all. I didn’t have to worry about relationships or money problems. I could just be a child.

There is a bible verse that says “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (woman), I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

1 Corinthians 13:11 NIV

It was much simpler when we were children, running around outside, finger painting and not caring about the mess, eating whatever you wanted, meeting new friends at the grocery store. Now we are adults and we may have put away childish things, minus things we still like (Disney movies).

I think it’s totally fine to think about the past and the easier times in life as long as it makes you smile and you move on, continuing to move forward to the present and into the future.

Health Journey

Emotions

Teresa Love

It’s crazy how much your emotions can effect your physical health. Like if you are worrying about going somewhere, your body can make something wrong to the point where you don’t have to go anymore. Even if someone is worried that they’re pregnant the stress of that can stop their period. When someone has anxiety it can create more symptoms from the worrying. It’s crazy!

For me emotions affect me so strongly. If I have a really negative day where I am just crying and really upset about being so sick then my body can feel so sick and heavy like I can’t even get out of my recliner all day. But when I force myself to get up and go outside it slowly helps. Like the other day I was so upset, I was even being rude to my mom and all she does is help me. I decided I didn’t want my day to be ruined so I went outside sat down in the sun, played worship music, and just breathed in the calmness of nature. I was able to stay out there for a few minutes before I started to burn (pale skin).

Just that little motion of changing my surroundings, shutting my mind off besides talking to God, and just really focusing on all the beautiful things around me. I listened to the mourning doves cooing. Felt the warm breeze hug me tightly. Saw all the vibrant colors, I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time in a while. Like in Twilight when Bella becomes a vampire, how ever single detail and all the vivid colors she sees.

Emotions are strong. Even stronger than logic sometimes. But nothing or no one is stronger than the Almighty Father. We are in His gorgeous creation.

I think sometimes we focus on all of our own problems and what’s going wrong, we forget to “stop and smell the roses.” If you can find one little super small thing that is positive in your day and focus on that you will be surprised on what the outcome could be.